"Repeating" (in memory of Amanda Alexander) - Sarah Bush

http://qctimes.com/news/local/article_8cddba12-64c9-11df-bf0e-001cc4c002e0.html

Take a breath and feel it, feel it

filling up your chest

all day long, heart beating strong

it never stops to rest.

You'll go and go and go and go

like you know what's in store

Then it's all erased

except the look on your face

as you waved and stepped out through the door,

and that's all I can see anymore.

It's repeating, repeating

I can't talk, I can't think, I can't move

Just you leaving, just you leaving

Who guessed,

who imagined,

who knew?

You look over your shoulder,

I smile and wave,

Your heels tap the floor

As you're walking away,

The dark of the night outside

swallows you in

as fate turns our "later"s

into "never again"s...

It's repeating.

You don't know, you don't know

Never, for sure...

Though you'd like to pretend that you do,

Our perceived crystal balls that can

show us it all

A 20/20 foresight point of view...

But there's only so much a human can take

And crystal's just another fragile thing that can break

It all shatters and scatters

Little pieces everywhere

As we reach out for things that

are no longer there...

It's repeating, repeating

I can't talk, I can't think, I can't move

Just you leaving, just you leaving

Who guessed,

who imagined,

who knew?

You look over your shoulder,

I smile and wave,

Your heels tap the floor

As you're walking away,

The dark of the night outside

swallows you in

as fate turns our "later"s

into "never again"s...

It's repeating.

Your words become powerful, as they no longer fall

Your presence leaves gaps in midair,

Your flaws, your mistakes, no one will recall

As they look at your photographed stare...

You've become news that no one can believe

Though they've watched it, they've heard it, they've read...

And forever, forever around us you'll be

Just a sweet song stuck in our heads...

Repeating.

You're repeating.

Just repeating...

hearts are bleeding.

And it's repeating.

Breakup

You are so fun.

Oh my word, you are fun.

Talking to you is like

playing with mud.

It's filthy and thick

this snide game we are playing

as the mud all goes slinging

and the bricks we start laying

build walls up around us

to keep the hurt out

and gossip surrounds us so

we shoot and then shout

and cry out for redemption from

ourselves, from each other

with such loathing, we fall...

by regret, we are smothered

and we are, none of us,

even one inch taller

as our height in character

gets smaller and smaller

compared so the tall, thick brick walls

that we build,

and we drown in the mud

with which they

have been filled.

To Be Happy

My fake friends

tell me that what matters most

is that I'm happy.

Then, when I say I'm happy,

they proceed to tell me all of the reasons I

shouldn't be.

My true friends

see me laughing, smiling, and

filled with a joy I haven't felt for years,

and just let me be

happy.

Need I Say Less

The truth is
I once spent hours and hours
conjuring up lengthy words
and profound expressions
to immortalize past
"love."
To make it seem extraordinary,
heavily cloaked by the
intricate
elaborate descriptions
of my creative mind.

Oh, it always appeared so grand,
all those beautiful
brilliant
empty shells.

But you made me halt.
Engines, gears, slowing
an olfactory shutting down
til it's only

peace
and quiet
and you.

And I neither want
nor need to
disturb it.

You just are.

Everything I used to try to
build
with my imagination,
and now
no longer have to.

So I shall just be.
For nowhere else
would I rather.

And nothing else
need I say.

Orchids

He found me lost.
And waited while I took my time
and his.
He held me when he saw you in my eyes
And apologized
for the things you could never be
sorry enough for.
He took those little broken pieces
In his calloused hands
And worked them until they
Healed back together.
He touched me like I was fragile…
looked at me like I’m a story he could not believe
someone was telling him.
And when I showed him, regretfully,
the places I could still feel the dirt and filth
you left behind,
He used it as a place to plant
My favorite flower.

That Which Devastates

Around is that which you have slept.

A broken cry is that which I have wept.

A promise is that which you have not kept.

Save your “sorry” for the ledge from which I have leapt.

A Spine that Failed Me

Paralyzed in the worst way
by you, your concrete obstinance
colliding with my
leap of faith, an impact, then
I'm still.

Immobile.
Others coax and call but I can't answer,
cannot whisper.
I reach for you, but not a muscle
heeds my screaming will.

They all grow sad and angry
at my silence, so confused at this,
a useless, muted
heap of broken masterpiece...
a shame.

They leave me
there, bare...
tears staining the gray where I have shattered
And as if I never mattered, you
glance down

then do the same.